The single life at its breaking point

Face it! She lied!…

He’s Just an ex and he understands!

I have mostly guy friends!

I’m still cool with the family!

He’s just a friend!! We’ve never done anything!

I only do the internet thing to deal with my depression!

I went to school with him!

His new gf is so dumb, I’m just tryin’ to help her!

He is my kids’ dad!

I know I say it all the time but I’m not ok without you!

A big part of my job is flirtation!

I love you!

I need you!

I’m not like that!……….Anymore!

I don’t believe in cheating!

I could spend the rest of my life regurgitating all the bullshit women have insisted upon me but I’d rather not! Suffice it to say that this is a very touchy subject and only a lucky county or 2 get to take my ex gf’s word for it!!

  • Thanx, Jared! I fuc*in’ hate Subway!!:

A couple of years ago, I weighed in at 262 meatballs n life was simple. No chiks were interested, nobody cared to find out who I was and my daughter liked to play with my humungous gut n laugh..

Jumping ahead to the present day pussy parade that’s trampling my soul into space dust, I droppped 60 n dating has been a nightmare. For some reason or other I can’t get past the initial, ‘I just wanna fu*k your brains out cuz your so stinkin’ cute’ phase with women now. The friend zone is ancient history n rejection is an afterthought n life 1 would think, should be gravy with women.

NOT EXACTLY!! I feel like a doormat that reads “THIS IS FOR EVERYTHING BAD THAT ANY GUY HAS EVER DONE TO A CHIK, LOOK UP”! So that’s where she musta left that darn anvil. Quick! Get outta the way. Reflecting back I can clearly see that I was just being used. These women were even truthful about their in tentions to a certain extent. At least they didn’t try to hide the fact that they were pretty much just in it for the 3 r 4 times a day thang…

Don’t let em fool ya! I couldn’t get the time a day from a 1 legged, 3 titted hyena back in 08 but now in 2010, ladies are cycling in n outta my life faster than a roadrunner on skates. At 1st I’ll admit, the attention was cool but after letting this thing play out I sure miss the hell outta having some1 around everyday that truly gives a shit about me n isn’t just in it for a lil’ sex n alota Turkey sammy’s…

Later!

The truth is………

I’m getting mailers from Jared ‘The Galleria of Jewelry’ all bc I purchased an engagement ring back in January from them n for some reason they think I need another 1. How would they know? As I’m laughing my ass off everytime I open mail from them, its just ironic that I’m getting this shit after only proposing to another chik back in July. They must know something I don’t!…

Smile now, cry later!

As the dust settles from being overexposed to the darkside of love I have finally come to terms with the aftermath. Shit certainly happens, doesn’t it but when I take a look around I can see that I have been left to my own n that certainly isn’t sitting well with my constitution! ‘It’s time to move on’ is an afterthought  bc I seriously need to consider whether or not I’ve even kept my best interest in mind n so far it doesn’t look as if I have…

We have all taken our fair share of lumps in life and obviously we’re still here to talk about it so I guess its for the greater good but when the sacrifice outweighs the cause I’ll be the 1st to drop my picket sign n walk away. Long ago I remember hearing that it costs to be the boss,.. but fuck, I never would’ve guessed it required me to become a total typecast sub-phrase!

That’s how it’s turned out n while I have the scars to prove it I still believe whole-heartedly that things are capable of altering states for the at least a ‘little’ better… The most difficult part is while I was all ‘Johnny Blaze, Hell-bent’ on offering the truth, Lucifer n her were gettin’ ready for the ‘Money-Shot’! If that ain’t irony at its best I just don’t know what is……….

This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me!

Raise your hand if you’re the dumbass that believes all the guys texting your gf are just her friends! K, you get to come to the head of the class n sit right next to me!!! Its a players world n we just live in it, bro… Unfortunately being old fashioned is,… well,…………… old fashioned n the more it appears like a functional alcoholic, the more likely it is to be drunk by noon on any given day! This, btw is only fun when everyone else is doing it, not when you’re shit-faced bc your ex really did go the distance with every dude you suspected her of sharing precious moments with and you can’t even make it through an afternoon of  ‘Look what I can do’ without her pausing every 5 minutes to let her fan-club know she’s busy!

‘The Don Juan Dilemma’:

Before I say anything here I need to  let all of you know just exactly WTF nationality I really am! According to my adopted mother and all of her grand wisdom, (love ya ma) I am White, Black, Spanish and Native American. What a combo, huh?! I can belt out a Pearl Jam song but not play it on my guitar while Salso dancing and eating a piece of fried chicken during a rain dance! What can I say? I’m a talented guy…

This fact often puts me in a unique category of human beings as I have options alot of other guys don’t but I still sometimes date the most culturally insensitive gals I can find. Whatever it takes, right? I mean, if they’re hot it’s not alot to put up with being called your besties’ UN Ambassador, ya know??!! The true downside to all of this is that a racist is a racist and just bc she may tell you that you’re the shizz doesn’t mean inherently she’s totally comfy dating a whatchamacallit!

She loves me, she loves me not; well, she sorta might!

I tell my son n daughter all the time that I love them n truly mean it! I also love women in high heels n tight dresses, carnival fries, chicken wings, button-down shirts n strip clubs… Is it the same as confessing a deep desire to have these things in my life? Not necessarily but nonetheless I use the word ‘Love’ as if to describe a longing for someone in  loose terms when describing some of life’s simple pleasures.

Unfortunately for the oblivious masses each time gals throw this word out there into the atmosphere we trample Grandma tryin’ to make sure we catch it before it lands on someone else! I guess that most of us are so enamored with the idea of love that we’ll take it even if it means about as much as an empty condom wrapper. I started to listen only when my children said it bc I have been told so many times in recent history that some chik loves me that I’m starting to develop anti-bodies to fight against such half-heartedly intended words…

I.S.E. #7 said she couldn’t live without me! If that was the case, she sure did a fine job all by herself of  f*-king the dudes that she COULD live without!! Lucky them!… 

Speak of the She-Devil!-They say that the Devil’s greates trick was convincing the world that he didn’t exist! I never thought this more true until I blindly decided that the truth was the key to this whole mad, mad world! Somebody shoulda told me that I was old-fashioned n nobody really gives a damn about honesty anymore! Who the Hell forgot to send me the memo!?!?!

LIAR, LIAR, PANTIES ON FIRE!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s prolly NEVER a good idea 2 pin up lingerie on your bedroom wall unless you enjoy getting your nuts pounded like a set of bad Goodyear tires! Once again, bad decision on my part. But hey! If I don’t do all this dumb shit in the pursuit of higher education, who will??? Believe it or not, it sounded like a good idea at the time but upon further review, it’s quite the piece of luck that she demanded them back. Imagine what the next chik might think! Bein’ that I escaped that hot mess no worse for wear, I’m sure that there was good reason 4 her givin’ em 2 me in the 1t place….

Her ex prolly bought em’ n she thought it’d be entertaining 2 c them hangin’ on my wall.

Do chiks EVER stop holdin’ shit over our heads, even if it is a pair of uber-sexy, totally stripper-hot panties?!?… S’cuse me for a minute! I’m gonna go find out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call ya later!

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-TvAqv43p4

 I love you too, baby!… Now tell your boyfriend to stop callin’ you!

This update is brought to you by ‘Historically, 1 of the worst calls of my lifetime Theater’!

-When engaging any lady of interest that has a bf n openly confesses it but also expresses her intent of havin’ you join the ‘Gang’, slowly walk away!

-Falling in love with an amateur prostitute is NEVER a good idea!

-After 4 days if she tells you that she loves you, FUCK HER WHILE YOU CAN!… And then slowly walk away!

-Drunk-dialing a chik that YOU broke up with makes you look indecisive…… And drunk!!! She hates you now n even though she’s hott, it gives her a future reason to fuck with your life! Ouchie!!!

-If her stuff looks like a catcher’s mitt, get drunk, autograph it n slowly walk away!

-Lastly,… At least get laid before you walk away! 

‘Miss’-Interpretation!:

Honestly, I didn’t jus wake up 1 day n decide to make my life a living Hell filled with women whom were goina walk in & outta my life at the speed of light!… Nor did I decide to suddenly sleep with 100+ gals to prove some obscure point or drink my life away bc  findin’ Missus Right was a Goddamn urban legend!!!

How’s it possible to keep fallin’ for the same shit only to realize that it’s way past time to start followin’ my own advice?! Some gal recently told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve n while I know that’s true, I’m on a mission!… I’d love to find my soulmate n shut this site down n burn all my books in effigy but Mother Nature jus ain’t goina let that happen!

I can’t tell ya how many chiks have told me that they loved me this year but I’m still tryna figure out if they ever intended to prove it!!!…… I did!……………..

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