All kidding aside, September seems to be a pivotal month for me. As I Look back on the last 2, drastic changes have happened in my life and I can’t help but wonder if there’s REALLY something in the stars…………….
- Before the whole debacle of my website, I was certain of 3 things. My calling in life was to be some sort of consultant and possibly do some investments and stock trading on the side. DREAM ON, real-estate school dropout! I had just opened Pandora’s Box and called it something straight out of a 90’s rap video…..’Pimp Out University’!!!
- Met my first of what would later become known as ‘ The Infamous 7 exes’!
- Traded in my slacks for tats n jeans
Wait til’ ya hear this sh^t!…
A Tara-ble tragedy; blinded by the smile!
Amanda; Guess we’re not in Boston anymore;
Cheri; thanx for nothin’; Coming soon!
Tonya; Whew!…….All I can say about that; Coming soon!
Tina; Quick! Somebody call the Facebook police!; Coming soon
Tammy; there’s a few weeks I’ll never get back!; Coming soon!
Tiffani; The hangover; Coming soon!
- I.S.E #1: A Tara-ble tragedy!
I was about a month into class when I finally noticed that the chik sittin’ next to me made it an obvious point to make herself comfy in my personal space. I mean, the girl had an A at the time, why was she askin’ me dumbass questions?! I was so immersed in my last site at the time it actually took that long for me to notice. Keep in mind, at this very point I was putting up a page on reading body language. WOW!! Tara was really cute. A slender blonde with nice tits n a very compelling smile. She was country too n that’s always hot so I decided to make things a lil’ more interesting. I hated this fuckin’ class anyway so flirtexting Tara for the duration of it was exactly what I needed to keep Ms. A’s cougar ass off my boxers. That was akward as hell! I ended the semester with a B although I failed all but 1 test n half my assignments were shit n unfinished. No freakin’ way was I interested in an A in there. Woulda took some real soul-searchin’……
It was pretty cool to meet up with ol’ gal after class n do the PDA thing in the hall before Business Law. BTW, how the hell did that prof catch me makin’ out with her while both he and I were s’posed to be in class?! I never did live that down! So here we are, workin’ on the whole ‘couple’ thing, or so I thought when the apprehension started to creep in. I once actually questioned her as to why she wanted to have sex with me in the student parking lot. REALLY?!!
Well, as October came n went, I decided that I def wanted more than ‘right here in broad daylight, between lunch n whatev in the mini-van, who cares about campus security sex’ so I kicked it up a notch. BAD IDEA! We started to talk alot more outside of school n usually it involved alota drunk-dialing booty-call type of stuff. I really didn’t see the let-down coming here??!! I truly liked this chik, she truly liked to fuck n I was so impressed by the whole thing I just went with it…
When November rolled in, she started to miss alota class. Wassup w that?! I didn’t talk to her for days at a time n when I finally did it was like nothin’ happened. Least for her. I was a P.I. at this advent n needed some answers. Over the next month n a half, boy did I get them…………..
The moments of untruth;
With POU fastly becoming an item for me, I felt entitled to some satisfaction with this gal-pal. The more I asked, the more I expected so during one of our hallway rendezvous’ she expressed to me that while she had no bf she did however have a ‘ROOMMATE’ quote unquote n he was quite a nice guy… ‘And I was quite a fucking idiot to believe her’!! With my lack of intelligence outa the way I was well under the influence of those big tits n pretty green eyes by now so she was leading me around freely by my now broken nose.
This chik was another one of those master-manipulators,…you know, the kind that can be sitting at home giving the ol’ baby-dad a handjob while gabbin’ it up with you on the phone?!?! I guess I didn’t really care if she was involved or not since I thought I was some sorta love guru but the fact that I was so easily tricked still bothers me to some small extent. I was carrying this girls’ books to class n buying her lunch!!! WTF?! Who was I? Fuckin’ Parker Lewis?! Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end for everything I thought I ever knew about the opposite sex…….
At this point, Tara was the immovable object n I was her unstoppable, drooling force! A truly shameful position for me to be in as the admin of a website called ‘Pimp Out University’ n at the time, I didn’t even realize what a fool she was making outta me; outside of class, I spoke to her voicemail quite frequently n in the back of my mind I felt as though some1 was always laughing at me…hmmm…..wonder why?! O! By the end of November I was only receiving drunken Mickey-D’s calls at around 12 am to say something like, ‘Waddre u doin’? or Hey, u sleepin’? It woulda taken a rocket scientist to figure out why I was so dumb at this point but I was damn determined so on with the show, I said! I was a white knight n she was a damsel in distress, or uhhh, was it a dress??…I can’t remember. All I know is that while I was busy making plans that included her tits, I mean her, she was busy no longer giving a shit; the semester was at an end n so was her interest in bagging a self-proclaimed pimp.
I hadn’t talked to her in about 2 weeks so 1 night while I was out with a close friend of mine I decided, under the influence of alcohol, of course to end it! Seriously?!?!?! It took me 2 weeks of no contact with her to realize that she was no longer interested after being nothing more than a fucking booty call in the first place to presume that I was ending things????? I’m extremely disappointed in myself. Especially after her bf explained to me that my presence wasn’t necessary during Xmas break, In a text that I thought was from her originally!
Somebody gimme a pen quick n move over Keith, I think I gota country song that’ll make ya’ sadder than ‘You’ll Think of Me’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.S.E #2: Guess we’re not in Boston anymore!
Amanda was the epitome of disgruntled ex- Catholic school girl!She did what it took to get through but resented God along with all his creation for having to. This chik was so passive agressive that she would send me these mile-long daily emails that consisted of motivational quotes as to how to start your day properly; as if I couldn’t even do that right! Keep in mind, I was in school F/T, administrating 2 websites and running in circles for the business club.
Later on down the yellow brick road I came to find that Amanda’s very existence hinged on the importance of these emails. Whatta wayta communicate, baby! And I was told that I never listened!! How does one go about eagerly digesting 25 minutes of blah, blah, blah each morning before they’ve even drank the appropriate amount of coffee anyway?… I was slave to these damned things. After the customary, ‘morning sunshine’, wakey wakey, I love u 630 am text messages, I knew by 800 I was due at the keypad of my laptop to answer another 1 of these dumb-ass things!…They always sounded similar to this:…………
‘Morning, love of my life. Not a minute goes by each day that I don’t think about you and how lucky I am to have you in my life. Your..blah, blah and you’re so blah, blah, blah that it’s important to me that blah, blah, blah, Have a wonderful day my knight, Ilove you! xoxo’. These things became progressively more obsessively disturbing as time wore on but 1 may be a bit forgetful of the warning signs when they think that they’re falling for someone; and boy was I tripping over my own feet fast with this girl.
While I was busy selling her all my POU philosophies, she had already made up her mind that no guy could really exist like myself and that it was time to start testing my psychological fortitude, which at this point was still intact. I DID actually notice all the subtle shifts in attitude and hesitation on her part. Her first cry for space was by simply taking it! No more cuddling after sex, ( cool cuz I couldn’t breathe with her back smashing my face anyway), Putting pillows between us on the couch we were sharing and asking me to have dinner at home before coming over. Folks! I had become a POA and wasn’t even aware of it! I was still feeling significantly high on myself bc of her emails.
I later realized that cluelessly being a ‘kept-man’ felt more like being enslaved in an amazon prison cell with some spear-toting tribeswoman standing guard at the entrance to the hut…Later!
Bear in mind that this entire ‘thing’ was as much of a contest as it was any sorta developing relationship; I was determined to force-feed her as much philosophical optimism as she could swallow (pun very intended) and in turn she had to show me up. It’s what she did to men! Her entire site (which now promos romantic advice and ‘novelty’ gifts) was an crash course in manbashing 101. This freak HATED dudes and I just so happened along at the wrong time, lil’ did I know…
I.S.E. #2 stands out from the rest due to the fact that she actually DID have a split personality and I was only dating 1 of them……. Thank God cuz there’s no way I coulda handled any more of her. For some reason she seemed to think it was cool to call me from the bar in which she frequented with her exes newbie and insist I be ok with that. Whatev! She flipped out when I asked her what was wrong with her. Anyway, I had a hard time trying to keep up with the psychic readings she was having done for ‘US’ and the 10 emails I had to consume every fucking day so by the end of this ride I was exhausted needless to say. “Ever heard of a text message, OMG”!?!
Don’t get me wrong, Amanda did have her redeeming qualities and I’m never 1 to completely dismiss anyone no matter the offense but looking back I’m glad I had no closure with her; all I needed to know was that she fuckin hated me cuz I made her happy! More later…………..
Welcome to the ‘Puppet Cafe’: Now serving Ice-coffes, Triple Mocha Lattes and Stupid-Human-Tricks!…
Amanda was a total ‘CONTROL-FREAK” and amid my constant rambling I never stopped myself long enough to ever realize what exactly was happening. I wasn’t nearly as insightful at the time as I might possibly be now so to me, acknowledging that she was growing ever-so-weary of being so attentive didn’t occur to me! I wasn’t allowed to cook for her, (I’m an ex-Sous Chef so this surprised me) I had no say-so in the bedroom and had certain areas of her house that were reserved just for lil’ ol’ me. She was all about having designated places and times for everything and I super enjoy being spontanious so I should have been aware that this could possibly become an issue and believe me, when it did, I was fuckin’ history! Quick, fast and in a hurry!
Sorry for being so oblivious to the fact that you’re such a narcissist, babe but I thought that we were getting along so well… I was settling in on this one cuz I was sooo sure that we were a hit I just did what I tended to do alot back then…ASSUME! The sub-plot was already emerging and 2nd thoughts materializing on her part and I was becoming a footnote and didn’t even know it. Coffee-houses and bookstores were novel to her and this was right up my alley, of course so it’s not necessarily unbelievable that I could follow so closely behind her even though I thought I was leading. See how difficult things can become when we’re not paying close attention??
\I was waaay too overwhelmed with 2 sites, International Biz class, real-Estate school and marketing myself to take a sec to breathe and she knew it. It was somewhere between the X-mas cookies that she had her friends’ father carefully put together in a collection for me and the diamond ring she graciously accepted that she snapped! We’re talkin’ bout a time-strangler here and she was having our charts done while I was biding my oblivious business; ironically, we were s’posed to stick to the program according to her psychic and I’m so glad that now all she has to remind her of times somewhat forgotten is the ill-advised opinion of 1 spiritual forecaster and another man-trinket to contribute to her ‘CREEPY’ closet shrine…
Amanda and myself had pretty tough schedules. With me in business school, attending real estate classes, running 2 sites, a blog and writing a book and her pretty much just screwing her co-workers, we had to make time when we actually had it! Before I go on, I think its important to inform you that she also had a website. The major difference between hers and mine was that while she was busy hating everything and everyone, I was trying to help people. Btw… I knew how she felt about life and I proceeded anyway cuz, well, I love a good challenge and SHE was practically a Gladiator when it came to us gents. I never stood a chance!!
The weekends were the small slice of life we had together so you can imagine how exhausted muaw ended up by Sunday afternoon since Amanda had a 1 track mind. If she wasn’t talking about having sex, we were having it and she was a hot tea drinker which meant, so was I! Cammomile tea does nothing to rehydrate the body as I painfully found out but when in Rome… Some time between us only spending 1 or 2 days a week together and her emails telling me that I was the man of her dreams I assumed I was in a committed relationship.
I was left wondering alot at how she had so much time for her other ‘friends’ while I was given Saturday & Sunday sex duty only. I thought I was brilliant! Her psychic obviously knew something I didn’t!…
The Proposal and the Burn Notice;
So, in my mind this was going somewhere special so I reached deep and took #2 to a place I thought perfect for what I had in store; dinner and drinks at a spot I was well liked and comfy in. I had already gone to Jared and got hooked up with just the right ring and was all prepped to take this thing to the next level. After a few rounds of Cap’n n Cokes, (which I thought strange since she had explained to me several times she didn’t like Rum) and Vodka Crans’ for me, we had an awesome dinner and the stage was set…
Yes was her answer and the phone calls started; I was fulla Crab cakes and exuberant joy so meetin’ mom n the sis next was not’n but a thang at this point! Wow! I’m gettin’ married! Stranger things have happened and were about to. Remember how I talked about her email fetish? In 2 short days, the one I was about to get changed my life……………. Next!
Saturday night was a biggie!- Engagement rings, cocktails, phone calls, expensive dinners n a resounding “YES” to my proposal… All that was left to do by Monday morn was to wait for her e-mails telling me what a wonderful life we were gonna have n how much she loved the idea of getting married,…….AGAIN!!! OOPS! Either I swooped in just in time to save this chik from her badgering fam as to why she isn’t re-married or I was so high on my own bullshit that I thought this thing was real…
6am, 1st text: Morning sunshine! Have a wonderful day n so on n so forth…
630am, 2nd text: Everyone really loves the ring n I’m so excited; I love you so much!
8am, 1st email; I can’t wait to move in together, yada, yada, yada…
9am, 2nd email: I just don’t want you to feel smothered, neither do I wanna feel that way,..”HUH”?!? (Somebody must’ve just pulled the fire alarm cuz even my oblivious ass could see where this was goin)!
After calling her out on the 2nd email, she reminded me that she was in this for the long haul, ( at least for the next hour anyway) I still had that uneasy feeling of impending doom; sure enough……
1015am, her final email: You’re a lying son of a bitch n you need to get off your soap box. You live in a fantasy world n you need to wake up to reality. Why would I marry you? You haven’t been in 1 successful relationship! (This from a gal that’s been in about as many long-term relationships as a chik from the oc); n by the way, I’ve been in 2 or 3 but luckily, Amanda wasn’t 1 of em’!…………..
I.S.E.#3-Cheri: Thanx for nothin;
Slightly less intriguing, Cheri was 1 of those ‘Under-the-Radar’ type of chiks. Another country gal, of course; found her about 30 miles south which I thought would be a breath of fresh air after my last 2 endeavors. She ran her own business, which shoulda been aptly called ‘Commitment-Phobe Confections’… This gal couldn’t make up her mind whether or not she just wanted to have sex, go out on a date, request my business insight or flip through the pages of her Playboy mags while I watched cartoons on her Cali-King!! And, btw, it was either that or listen to her go on n on about her ex. (Were all these things red flags or what)?
I was driving a half hour from my house just to see her for like 2 hours which I felt was great bc it left me plenty of time to tune in to my own life. I’d generally be pretty amused at pullin’ outta her condo so soon. After seeing how all over the place she was, the road back to perdition was a welcoming enticement. #2 was that girl that would ask you some random question and then hit ya with like 40 fun-facts about absolutely nothing relevent before you could even respond. She was like a hyper-active game show host with O.C.D. and Tourettes that as a default, I would kiss her just to shut her the fuck up!! That only worked for a while though cuz in the end she had a prob with how lil’ I had really listened to her; I tried but DAMN! While your family lineage is sooo historically important to all of civilization n there’s a street named after grand-pops somewhere in the backwoods of ‘Who-the-Hell-cares, Ohio, I was ready to beat some of your stories over the head with a cast iron skillet, babe!
The Law of Supply n Demand;
Obliviously thinking that I was some sorta commodity in this chiks life was clearly mistake #1. Note to all singles worldwide; unless you enjoy being wrong most of the time, I suggest that you realize the fact that some women can actually live without us! In my case it was difficult to think any less of myself with her constant affirmation of how much she adored me. This tends to happen to me ALOT with the opposing sex; here today, paper shredder the next. Screwing a chik on the first night doesn’t always bode well for setting up long-term exclusive dating situations.
I was all too often finding myself wondering where I stood with I.S.E. #3. Prolly somewhere between her ego n her sex-drive was me flippin’ through the pages of her Playboy collection, wishing I was drunk n hoping she’d shut the fuck up about herself long enough for me to say anything about anything!
Suppose I coulda been a better listener but she wasn’t much of a drinker n I stopped caring about her oh-so awesome back in the day tales of high-school what-the-fuck-ever almost immediately after the post-sex smoke break……
-I’d introduce you to my friends but I don’t have any!
Either this chik had about as many friends as Lindsay Lohan did at The Betty Ford clinic or she was just insanely apprehensive about introducin’ me to any of them. I mean, I met notta 1 friend the whole 2 months we saw each other n I thought that kinda weird to say the least. We did, however go to a few random places and though that was ok I still wondered why we never ran into a single bff.
WAIT!!… I bet she didn’t have any! Much easier to think the 1 for whom you’re reaching any sorta dating tangibility with has no people than to assume that she was just afraid and insecure enough to make certain that she never assisted you in any way with leavin’ her for 1 of her gal-pals…
DAMN!! I bet she had some really hot friends!!!
More in a bit……
Angel in the centerfold!- I truly thought that givin’ Cheri a chance was a good idea at the time even after our first date consisted of havin’ a few, talkin’ about nothin’, browsin’ her Playboy collection n then lettin’ her have a spin on the ol’ mechanical bull! I remember wakin’ up feelin’ a bit like I was just there for 1 thing n it wasn’ t to assist her on building her business unless her biz consisted of acquiring the knowledge of new sexual positions.
Sure, I liked her! She was driven, we had alot in common by way of desire, motivation n overcoming some real adversity in life to become something more than average. The part that still bothers me a lil’ is that even after that initial night spent exploring Hugh’s better -halves, I gave another obviously dedicated ‘Over-Achiever’ a shot at becoming a new woman!… Turns out, I was a convenient silent-partner n she was closin’ deals on the side!…
-Last but not least!-
Greed is soo not becoming n I found out the most direct way possible that I can be intro’d to some brand spankin’ new shit whenever Mother Earth deems a lesson necessary for me! This time, I was a lil’ more prepped to tell this chik to take a hike but alas, not before she had the last word….
Kinda difficult to believe that you really care about someone when you use the words love n goodbye in the same sentence, (only knew her for a month n somehow she thought she could manipulate me into thinkin’ that she meant anything she said)! Possibly, she was just in love with sayin’ “Catch ya later”!!!
I.S.E #4; Tonya- Whew!!!:
In the beginning, there was man until the Almighty decided same said man required a sidekick so along comes Polly! Trust n believe that there’s good reason people will tell ya that some things happen n others don’t exist but I’m a living witness as to the ultra thin line that divide the sexes… Chiks can exhibit the same sketchy behavior that gents do n Tonya was no exception. She was ready to settle down n have a fam with ‘Yours Truly’ after 1 stroll around the park n what really makes it scary is the fact that she didn’t even know where I resided, what I was studying in Academia or my fav color!
Sure impressed at my magical ability to turn seemingly normal ladies into threatening stalkers but what if, just what if it wasn’t so much the Criss Angel sorta ‘Cell phone in the beer bottle’ skills n it was just my lack of good judgement when it comes to choosing a mate?…
You get the check n I’ll get the Hell outta here!:
Talkin’ monogamy over fajitas during a Very casual 1st date, (it was a luncher, btw) is not the most pleasant or inspiring way to spend n afternoon. This chik was a run away love train n I was like a deer in it’s headlights. Whoa, Silver bullet! Put the brakes on for a sec. “Margarita, camarero ipor favor”! Quick lesson in building chemistry on a 1st date;…..DON’T SCARE YOUR DATE!! What really left a bad taste in my mouth was that while I know that she had every intent on goin’ back to her house after the sopapillas, I just couldn’t get past the whole ‘ baby daddy randomly showin’ up at her house with a pistola n the policia havin’ to be 911’d’ story!! It kinda, maybe sorta, possibly ruined the mood. “Ya think”?!
Needless to say, I never did finish that Margarita…………………….
8th time’s a charm!…
Folks, I don’t call them the ‘Infamous exes’ for nothin’! Any 1 of these femme-fatales coulda easily have been an arch-nemesis in a Twilight series!… If I’m a wolf in sheeps’ clothing, #8 was the finely tuned huntress that ripped the poor things fur off in the 1st place! Lil’ did I know that I had met my match. I was too busy droolin’ n bein’ lost in her beautiful bright greens to do much more than plan the next hundred years together with her. Yea!… September 26th all my dreams came to a crashing halt bc obviously stickin’ up for myself n actually exerting some small inkling of pride n self-esteem was jus outa the question according to this chik!
After stealin’ her from her ol’ man, dumpin’ my contacts, gettin’ dangerously close to scrappin my book, site, facebook, gettin’ sum shitty 9 to 5er for minimum to pay for the place I jus got her, quittin’ college, blowin’ off my peeps, pissin’ off my mom n abandoning all of my finer attributes, she re-defined the epitome of fuckin’ some1 over!……….
Ladies n gents, meet I.E. #8: Mindy-‘The closer’!… Stay tuned!…