The single life at its breaking point

She was mine for a minute!

Saving Abel – Saving Able – She Got Over Me

Thinking that you’re the best game in  town and knowing the truth are two completely different things. Though love truly is a gamble, gotta at least know how to throw the dice….

One of the first things I figured out over the summer is that when I made assumptions, I was wrong. ALOT! Women love to feel appreciated not threatened with your options just bc they have sooo many.

Secondly. Crow tastes terrible! Especially when it’s served with a HUGE slice of humble pie…..

I know you’re losing your house and I love you but what can I, as your most ardent admirer do to help?

If you ever find yourself in this situation and ask this question in any variation of the words, not only should Sully bitchsmack your ass but you should be arrested for something felonious!

No guts, No glory!;

Met a new girl. She’s obviously gone already. Must’ve scared her away with all of my ‘I want more than just sex’ talk! Oh well! Guess now she has more free time to be depressed at the fact that her life sucks cuz all guys want from her is the Baldwin, I mean bald 1………………. Pussy, dumbass!!! This particular young lady repeatedly and blatently made it apparent that she was extremely insecure. I felt bad for her, (being as I also recently suffered through major heartbreak) so I didn’t just blow her off as I had initially intended.

That was a mistake bc after I turned down a pony ride from her, she made it very, very obvious that she had nothing else to offer and wanted nothing more from me….. Well, that’s not entirely true. WOMEN NEVER ADMIT TO SHIT! Her lies were about as easy to read as a Curious George book so after I called her out she simply said she was going to sleep and that was that. More blog fodder for me, I spose…

 Lesson learned here??!! No! I knew I should have fucked her brains out but I’m sick of being in 1 dimensional relationships so I laid it out on the table and she ran away like a deer during hunting season. It’s gotten exhausting and led me to a complete overhaul of my morals. I mean, throwing them outta 10 story window onto a bed of rusty nails just to make sure, ya know!?

Sorry, ladies! You’ve created a monster and this one just may bite ya! Viagra?! I don’t need no stinkin’ Viagra!!!……….

Some say that holding on makes you strong but sometimes it’s letting go!

Reflecting back on the last few months of my life I realize just how bad things were n better yet, I almost helped orchestrate the entire play. Anywho, damage is waaay done n all I can do now is pretend that I’ve learned something valuable. Yeppers! Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t but all I know is my life feels more like an illusiion than a reality show……

I should have subscribed to cable for dvr service just so I can watch some tape of EXACTLY WTF happened! Oh well!….Maybe its better that I didn’t. Looking back someday n laughin about this entire past year of  whatever you may choose to call it is prolly impossible but man, what a trip!

Only thing I forgot to do was kiss her goodbye!~

I sware I was just kiddin’!; are you really that insecure?!

Honestly, I suppose answering so many dumb-ass questions truthfully in the beginning is more of a way to end shit than start it! When any woman would ask me how many long-term relationships I’d been in, I was honest. How many ladies I’d had sex with, just as honest! Was she just another fling? Damn it! I kept it real!

At the end of the night, we’re all a bunch of liars when it comes to whether we’re gonna score r not n to observe it any other way is pretty much crap! We really DON’T live in a world full of risk-takers n optimists, people wanna sure thing even when they know its close to impossible but they’ll cut their nose off to spite their face anyway! Life is definitely full of ways to learn from previous mistakes so that said, if you can imagine how many other women I’ve been with, if I’d ever cheat on you, is my daughter’s mother still in the picture, am I afraid of commitment or any other self-incriminating bullshit, you’ll have to figure it out for your dammy cuz I ain’t sayin’ a word!!

The Vanishing Woman!

Life is quite the ecclectic mixture of highs and lows; ya really never DO know exactly what’s gonna transpire when you invite someone new into your life. You just pray that lil’ cherub shoots straight and hope for the best!! Making the fatal mistake of assuming you’re the ‘Man of her dreams’ is more of a bad ego trip than a euphoric sail down memory bliss! If there’s ever a time in your dating life that you can physically see your machismo eminating like body odor, you better head out to the store n pick up some ‘Axe’ cuz chances are she not only is about to get sick n tired of communicating with your ‘Other-half’ but she’s prolly on her way to the store herself. “Goin’ for some ice cream, hun, be back in a lil’ while” might be the last thing you ever hear her say…

I was just kiddin’ bout you bein’ a bitch! Isware!

Stay tuned…

Oh Yea! It’s a for sure!!

Assumptions have been my Achilles heel so far n the more women I have the priveledge to meet, the more stupid assumptions I naively make! never put anything past anyone! ‘Specially the opposing sex bc this can literally come back to bite you in the ass.

I can’t stress enough the importance of takin’ the time to evaluate your position in a relationship bc just when ya think it’s in a place that bodes potential for you absolutely doesn’t mean that she isn’t setting her sights on the next guy!

Let’s be realistic. If for 1 sec any of us think that we’ve found our comfort zone then we’re in for a long ride home…

#1 draft picks n other bad calls…

Either I’m a horrible judge of character when it comes to pickin’ em’ or I’m super awesome at not stickin’ around long enough to enjoy the scenery. I prolly add n subtract more chiks from my contacts list than a strip club manager but folks, it’s not always my fault; HONESTLY!!! I’m from a world where whatcha say is at least in the ballpark of whatcha mean n it rubs me in all the wrong ways when I gotta call a gal out bc the lies didn’t even sound unbelievable enough to be lies! “MORE ORIGINALITY, PLEASE”! A couple hours ago, you said you were an only child n just as I get the customary smooch g’nite, ya say that ya gotta go visit your bro in the joint tomorrow or a random ‘Friend’ stops over supposedly ‘Uninvited’ n eyeballs me for 45 mins like I got the T-Virus. I guess the deal breaker was drunk-dialin’ me from your bf’s phone n not expectin’ me to text it back!

NEXT!!!

Down Syndrome:

Irony’s a bitch, ain’t she?! 1 of the major drawbacks of knowing too much or bein’ able to read plays at the line is that we know when it happens, it’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker! Consider for a sec that just maybe there’s a very sustainable reason that alot of gals consistently get shit on. Could it be that they’re so used to it that it’s all they’re comfy with? Prolly so n the whole victim scam should have the po-po’s called on it. How many times can we keep fallin’ for this before we figure the shit out? Seems to me, as many times as chiks keep doin’ it! Note to self: keep your head outta her ass n on your shoulders n when the time comes, you’ll be able to take evasive action when the ground to air missile strikes start rainin’ in…………….

It took me 619 days to lose her in 6; that has to be some kinda world record for dumbasses

I woulda never thought for 1 sec that I was ever gonna find the gal of my dreams; even after a chance encounter with her the very last day of finals for me 2 years ago. Welp, ready for this?… This is what happened…

I dated, she dated. Not much of a very interesting storyline there but what makes this thing so unique is that Yours’ Truly developed a fascination with this chik along the way to finally absconding her undivided attention. After subjecting myself to some brutal relationships during a time in which I shoulda been somewhere between a 1st date n falling in love with this princess, my thoughts turned to her more than just periodically. This was becoming a legendary crush! The kind ya see in movies like ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘Good Will Hunting’!

Pretty certain she didn’t even gimme a 2nd thought bc I was too stupid to even hit on her at this point even though I knew I shoulda. I had her #, I facebooked her a few times, I even passed on a night out with her when she propositioned me. WTF?! Yes, folks, this shit is unbelievable…

As if the stars had aligned themselves in the shape of a perfect heart, I had finally managed to catch her at just the right moment…

Days 1 through 5:

After using up an entire months allotment of anytime minutes on my celly, (1200, to be exact) chatting it up with dream-girl, we finally got together. If you think Independence Day garners fascination due to the blinding lightning displays of fireworks then you’d be close to how this thing got started.

I was standing in Heaven alongside this angel I had adored for countless days n was awestruck to even be there in the 1st place. 2012! I’m kicking your ass!!! 1-ZIP n counting, right?…… WRONG!!! After 1 of the best nights in my entire dating life, (no sex of course! Dream girl was the real thing n I wasn’t gonna jeapordize this for anyone) it was our first and sadly last kiss goodbye…

Day 6:

I absolutely could not get enough of this gal n it was written all over my face. If I was any more pleased with where I was in my life I woulda chartered a plane to skywrite ‘Go Gabriel! It’s your birthday’ over my house!

After a casual afternoon of odds n ends n imaginary high-5’s, somehow my mind got completely clouded with all the generally stupid things a dip-shit would think of when he finally gets exactly what he wants. I won’t go into detail but suffice it to say, I spent the greater part of the evening texting her the most randomly unintelligent things I could come up with. I mean, I couldn’t stop myself! My words weren’t even coming out right n I was making no sense! Holy Shit! I was smack-dab right in the middle of blowing this whole thing n I could no longer control the shit that was involuntarily spewing from my brain!

So, what do you think I did at that point?! Don’t take a genius to figure this 1 out!…….. I started trying to cover up my stupidity with, yep, you guessed it, more stupidity!!! It ended with me being beligerent n wildly attempting to checkmate her with nothing but a couple of pawns left on the board! By the time the dust settled, I sat in my bedroom seriously contemplating the development of a time machine so I could fix this disaster.

Needlessly to say, she currently hates me n I can’t blame her! Gents! Best advice anyone will ever offer you in life;….NEVER, EVER n I mean NEVER call the girl of your dreams whom you completely n utterly adore n wanna make the most beautiful babies on the planet with a ‘Bitch or a Cunt’! Especially when you’ve only been talking to her for less than a week…

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can I at least get a kiss goodbye?

Sure, she was a lot younger than me but what is age when it comes to fallin’ in love with someone? Or so, I thought. Guess I got blinded by her smile, or maybe the way she made me laugh, or how she fluttered her eyelashes at me… Whichever the case, this thing was definitely goin’ somewhere n we both knew it! Magic don’t happen everytime you meet someone new but this time for yours’ truly, this was the disappearing statue of liberty.

For some un-Godly reason I missed the boat when she told me how close she was with her daddy. This was definitely somethin’ I shoulda made a mental note of n prepped properly for the inquisition. Rather though, in mine own self-inflicted wounding fashion, I stuck to the script n did nothing! Welp! Needless to say, I’m sure the ol’ man almost went into cardiac arrest when he stalked my Facebook page n came across this lil’ piece of sexual futility. I don’t exactly scream ‘Meet the parents’, ya’ know?!

Good thing for me, all is prolly not lost. I know she still cares deeply n if nothin’ else, I can always keep lookin’ forward to that last kiss goodbye next time……

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