The single life at its breaking point

The Hating Game!*$~

   When your fiance all of 2 days has your car repo’d, breaks your nose and screws some dude in a John Deere hat, it’s either a sitcom or a country song. Either way, I’ll probably still be pissed when hootie is nominated at the CMA’s. What follows is 5 months of ‘ You wouldn’t fuc*^ng believe its’!

Week two missed calls: ( False start ); Sitting on the edge of her California King she shoots me a 10:30 or so am sneer and says, ‘I fucking hate you’. I lovingly and shockingly reply, ‘Why’? She immediately responds with, ‘Because I love you’! First and foremost, it’s only week 2 and she has already mated my boxers with her thong, th thong, thong thongs! I had no f’in’ clue as to what to say to that so I just kissed her… She punched me in the chest! Ahhhhh…….sweet, sweet lovin…

Week 3: Per her request, I’m no longer allowed to go back home, (which was right across the street, btw) and tonight I get to hang out on the porch with not just 1 but the very last 2 guys she’s dusted off! How the hell does one find himself in this situation?

I’m 3 weeks into this thing with the ex and already, I’m completely blind to what this chik is doing to me. It was a Friday night in May and to our dismay, we had no money for Bud Light and this did not sit well with my alcoholic bedmate. The search for beer money began. Here’s what I did know; my boo needed some brew and I was broke. We would both make any of a series of calls or texts and see what we could come up with. Here’s what I didn’t know; I was calling pops and a few buddies while she was makin promises, (we still aren’t sure if she kept any of them) to the 2 dudes I’m about to have the greatest pleasure of meeting……

Round about dark, the 1st of 2 gents makes an appearance. I had absolutely no knowledge that he was the most recent of her live-in thangy thangs. Under no assumption of anything, we’re intro’d and I took mental note of how pissed this guy looked. THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS THERE!!! Hmmmm…I thought. Maybe he just has a thing for her and is currently offended by the present competition. I couldn’t have been more wrong if I had guessed that the next guy was her kinfolk….She was sitting on his lap, kissing him the night I met her!! Anyone have an IQ test I can borrow?!?

Anywho, Next up! This guy, I’d met and already stole his thunder so it was water under my territorial paws at this point. But what bothers me looking back is how stupid I must’ve looked sitting atop the throne of Bizarro Camelot!…………Back to the porch. Formalities outta the way, my beloved leaves with the 1st guy. ‘Goin’ to the liquor store, kiss, kiss, be back’. So an hour later, amidst talking jobs and beer types with the 2nd guy, ( Am I really this fuc*in’ dumb, folks) she returns and not only gets dropped off but Mr. Congeniality wants to hang out until I threaten to kick his ass, which I later call her aside to explain to her. Jo Bob outta the way, numero deuce politely bows out as well.

Finally having my, uhhhh, girlfriend all to my dammy, I feel as though I had admonished some mythical beasts from my countryland and was rearing my chest in self-admiration. Well,…lesson here is that while I was appreciating all of my grand work, she was maintaining at least a working relationship with those 2 extremely lucky guys and I could’ve still been one of them…..Thank God I was such a liar!!!

  • Was the guy in the black truck the same dude in the red truck…or was it a white SUV? Anyway,…

The path to enlightenment lies within the irritating itch that so feverishly nestles beneath the surface. Basically, after being hit by 20 or so anvils has one such as myself developed a quintessentially high pain tolerance or am I just destined to repeated bouts of stupidity ? Whichever, thought I’d share a quick piece of insight……

1 week in, she explains to me that if I ever cheat on her, she’ll kill me! WHO IN THE REAL WORLD WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE MEAN IT EVEN IF I NEVER CHEATED ALTHOUGH SHE HAD A REAL SERIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE?! Needless to say, she loves trucks and we may never unmask ‘White SUV Guy’!… 

Lap-top, smoke-buddy n other guy; Honey, I thought you were a barmaid!!

K, this is where I began being REALLY stupid n naive. This gal n my dammy were the clear front-runners for the PDA awards n every other profusely vomiting couple within ear-shot could confirm this at the time. Things appeared great. Except for the fact that while her engagement ring was a table topic at her 1st job, it was gammy’s old 1 at the 2nd, AND on the wrong hand. Just ask the guy frenching my lifelong while she rode his lap, (at work, nonetheless), the dude that chainsmoked outside work with her, (between sweet kisses) and just pick one; any of the truck-wielding grit-balls that she took home with her. Bear in mind, this was all happening right under my to be later re-broken nose…

I don’t ask myself why anymore, I’ve just simply accepted the fact that while her bff even insisted that I was 2 good for her bc she was such a spread eagle I look at it like a piece of hardship I had to endure. Scarred for life?…Totally!…Shocked and bewildered?…Still!  But at the end of the day I wouldn’t change it for anything bc I am certain at this point that I will NEVER b in that  situation again……

What’s done is done n that’s pretty much it but why can’t I get the ring back?!! 

If I truly knew what was good for me I would have ran while I still had my pants!…..And dignity! Didn’t happen, hence this blog! Canya believe I’m the 1 with regrets n remourse? Who loses themselves so much that they gotta take a trip back in time to find out who they were n should be?

Guess I did n maybe that’s the reason why I’m writing this. Least I have memories, right?! Even though they were illusions n mostly make believe but to me, they meant something! After POU n that magnificent mess that all was I did realize that I was no longer the low-key gent that I had mistakenly represented myself as.

They say that life can make you crazy! What a motherfuc*ing understatement!

The not-so-great escape!:

An invite to go camping with the gf’s friends is like being asked to DD your bud’s bachelor party; you know that there’s going to be alcohol and sex involved but you may not enjoy either! That said, I figured it’d be a good idea to show her pals that my better-half n me could get outa bed long enough to do something that involved other people…

This chik knew that I wasn’t really into it but she made such a biggie about it that I couldn’t stand being screamed at anymore so I gave in. Little did I know that I.S.E.#6 had ‘Portable Psychosis’; SHE COULD TAKE HER ‘CRAZY’ ANYWHERE! Believe it or not, the ride there was uneventful and actually even pleasant. I let out a secretive sigh of relief because I had convinced myself at this point that we were going to have fun. We both packed the kids along so what’s the worst that could happen?…

I found out very quickly that there were going to be no other dudes and that all eyes were gonna be glued to either my nuts or my head, figuratively speaking. I was already a 6 pack deep so I just did what I normally did and drank another 1. By the time my gal cracked her first brew I was already dee-jayin’ a live children’s karaoke show n chuckin empty cans into the fire that dinner was burning on!

For some reason, the ladies weren’t enjoying this nearly as much as the kids n I were and ol’ girl made me all-too painfully aware of this! She was pissed bc not only had I started drinking before her but she liked to blame all of our future arguments on me and she used alcohol as the accelerant. Her way of saying ‘wait til’ later when I start acting retarded for no reason and you believe it’s all your fault that I’m walking home’!! Kick rocks, bitch! We’re like 22 miles from the crib n you’re wearin’ flip flops. Have fun!!

Somehow, the Gods musta had a ‘laugh now, cry later’ treat in mind for me as this chik was arguing with someone else already. Sweet!! Here’s a great chance to get off the hook for one night. Let me ask you a question: How is it possible to take your gf’s side, threaten the bf of the other gf, quell the entire thing, renew an atmosphere of fun, set up’ who’s sleepin’ where, babe cuz I can’t wait to tear that ass up later’ sex to still end up so pissed and so confused that after cussin her out cuz she’s cussin you out all you can do is drive around the campground cuz you’re so drunk that you can’t find the fuckin’ way out so you get back to the lot only to find her passed out n now you’re not gettin’ laid either!?!?!

Memo to self;…CAMPING SUCKS!…

1 more dance with the Devil…

It’s quite an awesome sight to behold how other peeps react when ‘shit happens’ to them after listenin’ to all their barf about how tired they are of hearin’ all the dating b.s.

I’m truly developing a very special place in my heart for these same expert ‘Love -Coaches’ with the ever-changing Fbook relationship statuses. I mean, it’s an especially simple task to go out n get laid but quite another not only to do it with a high quality chik but to actually be lookin’ for somethin’ more!!! Guess what I’m sayin’ is that situations are different for all of us n if that means I created a monster with good intentions than I’m jus goina have to lay in the bed I made…

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